I have considered multiple ways to explain myself and how things are as I know them, in what way you might understand them, and I
This is what I would like to tell you: It's 2013.
Sam is how you have always known him, and the world is still mostly the same. There are minor differences, of course, but I am avoiding the main reason for this letter by saying it. If you have ever considered us friends, as I still think we are, I hope that you read this to the very end, and that it holds whatever answers you might have needed to hear.
I have made too many mistakes to ask your forgiveness, but understand that all I have done was always with you in mind. You deserved what happiness being with Lisa Braeden brought you, and
I watched you.
I was there, even if you thought I had abandoned you to a life without your brother, and I heard you. I always have. I did what I could to make it right then, but assuring your well being and attempting to organize what was left of Heaven coincided. I had to make a decision, and the best one was not the correct one. I have unfortunately made many of those since then. Even with the right intentions, I could never seem to fix anything. Opening Purgatory and releasing those souls freed the Leviathan, and they were much too powerful to contain.
I lost to them, and in return, you lost me.
I could never ask for you to forgive me for that, but somehow, when we found each other again, you did. Your compassion never ceases to surprise me.
Still, I couldn't forgive myself for those things. I killed countless beings, angels and humans alike. I slaughtered them because they would not put their faith in me, and perhaps they were right to do so. The Leviathan were no better, but I stood by you despite my own cowardice. Stopping them did not put an end to it, however.
... Purgatory.
We survived approximately a year in Purgatory together.
I will give whatever details you wish, but it's a place no human should ever experience. I did what I could to protect you and the vampire Benny. We saved each other, and escaping Purgatory was all I could want for you. I forced you to go without me, and whatever you might have believed then, it was not your fault. I owed penance, and I still do.
I only vaguely remember returning, and despite my reluctance, it must have been at Naomi's hand. She was charged with re-ordering the chaos that had become of Heaven, for much of my actions following my freedom. And I
I committed so many wrongs under her control. There are things that I could not admit to you, things that might change everything, but there is something I have never even told you in the present. She trained me to kill you. I came close, but I couldn't. You said that you needed me, and that is something I will never forget as long as I exist. You need me, and all I am ever good for is
[ Some text is missing. ]
You also asked how I became human.
It begins and ends with the angel Metatron and you and your brother's attempts to close Hell. There were... trials, and I could not idly sit by while you risked your lives. I worked with Metatron to close Heaven instead, and part of it required an angel's grace. I assume you can follow what happens as I am the result of that failure, and I have spent every moment since trying to amend what it is I've done to my brothers and sisters. They lost everything because of me. You and Sam, too -
I would never forget the incentive that has brought me to Eudio. It matters that I do this the correct way, and that also means asking you to believe me.
Regardless of the past, I am with you. I always will be. Please know that.
[ i'm waiting has dean wanting to show up anywhere but at the bar. it's ominous, has him feeling nervous and tense over whatever might be said or done-- and how he's handled things so far. not well, if he's honest. sam's arrival, and jess', coupled with already having cas and jo around has been...
it's been a lot.
a little overwhelming, too. yet he can't imagine what life's been like for her, now that she has hers again.
so sometime later dean's finally stepping into the bar, looking around cautiously. ]
[ and maybe that had been a bit unfair to dean, leaving her text like that. maybe she should have assumed that he'd take it in every wrong way he could take it. but at the same time it's a rough topic for her, still, and she needs to make sure he understands that. ]
Hey.
[ but she's not mad, and that's the thick of it. she looks up from where she'd been cleaning the counter and does give him an easy enough smiling - slightly amused, with her eyebrows raised.
because jo might also know that if dean comes in here defensive, they won't get anything done at all. ]
Took you long enough. You get lost? [ she says, setting down two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text (email);
Date: 2015-03-29 02:42 am (UTC)This is what I would like to tell you: It's 2013.
Sam is how you have always known him, and the world is still mostly the same. There are minor differences, of course, but I am avoiding the main reason for this letter by saying it. If you have ever considered us friends, as I still think we are, I hope that you read this to the very end, and that it holds whatever answers you might have needed to hear.
I have made too many mistakes to ask your forgiveness, but understand that all I have done was always with you in mind. You deserved what happiness being with Lisa Braeden brought you, and
I watched you.
I was there, even if you thought I had abandoned you to a life without your brother, and I heard you. I always have. I did what I could to make it right then, but assuring your well being and attempting to organize what was left of Heaven coincided. I had to make a decision, and the best one was not the correct one. I have unfortunately made many of those since then. Even with the right intentions, I could never seem to fix anything. Opening Purgatory and releasing those souls freed the Leviathan, and they were much too powerful to contain.
I lost to them, and in return, you lost me.
I could never ask for you to forgive me for that, but somehow, when we found each other again, you did. Your compassion never ceases to surprise me.
Still, I couldn't forgive myself for those things. I killed countless beings, angels and humans alike. I slaughtered them because they would not put their faith in me, and perhaps they were right to do so. The Leviathan were no better, but I stood by you despite my own cowardice. Stopping them did not put an end to it, however.
... Purgatory.
We survived approximately a year in Purgatory together.
I will give whatever details you wish, but it's a place no human should ever experience. I did what I could to protect you and the vampire Benny. We saved each other, and escaping Purgatory was all I could want for you. I forced you to go without me, and whatever you might have believed then, it was not your fault. I owed penance, and I still do.
I only vaguely remember returning, and despite my reluctance, it must have been at Naomi's hand. She was charged with re-ordering the chaos that had become of Heaven, for much of my actions following my freedom. And I
I committed so many wrongs under her control. There are things that I could not admit to you, things that might change everything, but there is something I have never even told you in the present. She trained me to kill you. I came close, but I couldn't. You said that you needed me, and that is something I will never forget as long as I exist. You need me, and all I am ever good for is
[ Some text is missing. ]
It begins and ends with the angel Metatron and you and your brother's attempts to close Hell. There were... trials, and I could not idly sit by while you risked your lives. I worked with Metatron to close Heaven instead, and part of it required an angel's grace. I assume you can follow what happens as I am the result of that failure, and I have spent every moment since trying to amend what it is I've done to my brothers and sisters. They lost everything because of me. You and Sam, too -
I would never forget the incentive that has brought me to Eudio. It matters that I do this the correct way, and that also means asking you to believe me.
Regardless of the past, I am with you. I always will be. Please know that.
— C.
text;
Date: 2015-03-29 03:06 am (UTC)are you home right now?
no subject
Date: 2015-03-29 03:09 am (UTC)text. maybe i just also wanted a text thread with you
Date: 2015-04-16 01:29 pm (UTC)[ guess who just saw sam... ]
text. huffs!!!! hdu!!!
Date: 2015-04-16 06:17 pm (UTC)Youre not hurt or anything right
[ so maybe this is a good time for some of that guilt over not having hovered around here enough lately to set in... ]
text. :c
Date: 2015-04-17 09:27 am (UTC)we just need to talk
sam's here, by the way
[ she knows he knows, but she needs the segue-way. ]
where are you?
text.
Date: 2015-04-17 10:49 pm (UTC)he's a kid jo
like 12
I'm at cas'.
text.
Date: 2015-04-18 09:33 pm (UTC)he didn't know what happened to me
[ didn't. as in does now. hope you catch onto that, dean. ]
do you want me to come there?
text.
Date: 2015-04-19 12:29 am (UTC)look theres a lot he doesnt know so dont
he doesnt need to know everything.
Yeah or I can come meet you somewhere
text.
Date: 2015-04-19 08:12 am (UTC)and you should too
you know how I feel about secrets
[ it's an issue that she had thought has passed them, that they've gotten over. but she worries about whether or not they need to bring it up again. ]
bar? this day is getting too long
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 01:01 am (UTC)I'll be there in 15.
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 02:30 pm (UTC)I'm waiting
action.
Date: 2015-04-20 11:03 pm (UTC)it's been a lot.
a little overwhelming, too. yet he can't imagine what life's been like for her, now that she has hers again.
so sometime later dean's finally stepping into the bar, looking around cautiously. ]
Jo?
action.
Date: 2015-04-20 11:12 pm (UTC)Hey.
[ but she's not mad, and that's the thick of it. she looks up from where she'd been cleaning the counter and does give him an easy enough smiling - slightly amused, with her eyebrows raised.
because jo might also know that if dean comes in here defensive, they won't get anything done at all. ]
Took you long enough. You get lost? [ she says, setting down two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. ]
action.
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Date: 2015-04-20 01:00 am (UTC)text.
Date: 2015-04-20 01:02 am (UTC)Got booze just fine where i am
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 01:09 am (UTC)text.
Date: 2015-04-20 01:11 am (UTC)Didn't realize you were a balls kinda guy
[ hhahahahhahahaha. ]
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 01:17 am (UTC)I think it would be an interesting experience. We could go together and meet some of our neighbors.
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 01:28 am (UTC)I already said i aint interested
plus you gotta like dress up and shit
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 03:00 am (UTC)text.
Date: 2015-04-20 03:58 am (UTC)It's such a hassle
text.
Date: 2015-04-20 04:05 am (UTC)text.
Date: 2015-04-20 04:06 am (UTC)Find another date
1/2 text.
Date: 2015-04-20 04:09 am (UTC)text.
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